You may have heard the term Emotional Intelligence (EI or EQ), but what actually is it? What does it mean in practice?
EI describes an ability or skill to perceive, assess and manage the emotions of yourself and others. This includes interpersonal skills (the ability to build rapport, motivate, influence and get on well with others) and intrapersonal skills (the ability to know understand and motivate yourself, and be self aware). It is about:
Research shows that what distinguishes successful business people from their less successful counterparts is not IQ but EI. When people analyzed and defined the key skills and qualities needed to be a successful business leader they found that the majority of these skills and qualities come within emotional (rather than cognitive) intelligences.
So what action could you take today to improve your emotional intelligence?
- We all get caught up in the busyness of life. Take time each day to be in the here and now. Stop and see what is around you, the colors, smells, feelings and sounds. Be aware of how you feel and take time to be in the present.
- Think about how you can influence other people’s behavior. Moods are catching and can have a domino affect. What action can you take to draw out positive responses from others?
- When you are faced with worry, consider the following questions. What is the evidence for the way you are feeling? What is the worst (and best) thing that could happen? How can you change the way you feel about the thing that is worrying you?
- Realize when you are stressed – the first step to reducing stress is recognising what it feels like. Many of us spend so much time in an unbalanced state that we’ve forgotten what it feels like to be calm and relaxed. Once you have recognized your feelings of stress, you can then remember what it feels like to be relaxed and learn how to move to this state.
- When you make decisions, factor in your emotions. How much do they help or hinder you when you are making a decision?
- Choose your arguments wisely. Disputes take up time and energy, especially if you want to resolve them in a positive way. Consider what is worth arguing about and what is worth letting go.
- To be happy, take responsibility for your feelings. Remember that no one can make you feel inferior without your permission.
- Keep a journal or diary and write in it daily. Keep a record of what you are grateful for and record your achievements.
- Mediate for a few minutes each day. Go somewhere quiet, slow down your breathing and clear your mind to give yourself greater focus and relaxation.
- Get feedback from others. What do they believe to be your strengths and limitations? Find out how you can build on areas that may be holding you back and further develop your skills and strengths.
Did you know?
Research suggests that emotional intelligence accounts for as much as 31% of management success. Competencies such as interpersonal skills, empathy and your ability to influence others impacts hugely on your performance at work or how you run your business.
As Brian Tracy said “you cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and it that, you will be mastering change rather than allow it to master you.”
Making The Distinction Between YOU And Your Feelings
When we feel down, melancholy or sad our immediate reaction is often to say I am down, melancholy, sad… etc. Using the words ‘I am’ implies that you are inherently down, melancholy or sad as a person. By saying ‘I am down’ you are making no distinction between you and your feelings. You are a complex, worthwhile, deserving whole human being no matter how you feel at any given moment. Your feelings are simply a part of that make-up, and recognising this will help you understand how to improve your emotional intelligence.
This distinction between you and your emotions is important because it gives you permission to feel without judging yourself negatively for having the feeling.
For instance, if you feel inadequate because you feel you’re not good enough at a particular sport for whatever reason, you can acknowledge the feeling by saying: ‘I feel inadequate’, or ‘I don’t feel good enough’. On the other hand if you were to say ‘I’m not good enough’ this goes some way towards closing the door on that activity, limiting the possibility of you improving. Acknowledging your limitations in the form of a feeling not only leaves open the possibility of improvement later on, but also recognises that you are a person who is inherently good enough, but who has a limitation they are working on.
Using the word ‘feel’ does not imply that you are in any way inadequate as a person. It simply acknowledges the emotions you’re feeling in the moment and allows them to come to the surface. This is healthy, as suppressed emotions can cause complications on a physical and emotional level later on.
The same can be said about negative thoughts.
We all have self-deprecating thoughts we’re not proud of, or that we feel we should not be having. However, we are human and all kinds of thoughts will come and go for a myriad of reasons.
Again, avoid judging yourself negatively because you’ve had a particular thought…unless that thought is about bringing harm to someone else. A negative thought about yourself and/or your abilities does not make you a bad person. It is merely a thought in that moment, and it will go.
So avoid saying ‘I am…’ whenever you acknowledge a negative thought or emotion. Acknowledge the feeling as a feeling, the thought as a thought. Recognise that you are an amazing human being who is just feeling a certain way or thinking a certain thought in the moment. Recognise that your thoughts and feelings don’t determine who and what you are, that they are transient, and as such, given time, will go.
