Most of us recognize successful relationships when we see them but we often don’t know what it is that we see that makes us conclude that they are successful. What sets a relationship apart so that it moves from the mundane to the extraordinary? I will look at the main types of ‘normal’ relationships and their characteristics.
- Comfort zone relationships. Couples in this type of union do the minimal work required to keep the bond going. They tend to be selfish with each partner looking out mainly for them self. If you are in this type of relationship, you do not do much for your partner unless this will in some way benefit you. You do only what’s expected of you as a partner and only that (and no more)! You do not pay much attention to your partner and whether or not they are tired, unhappy, discouraged etc. is of little consequence to your own agenda. You tend to do what you want, when you want; with little thought or consideration for your partner. You have no ability or interest in anticipating your partner’s needs. It’s really all about you. You both have pretty separate lives and each of you guards your turf like an angry bulldog. When you fight you do so with no consideration for your partner, you let them have it using cruel and cutting words. As you can see from all that is going on between the two of you, this is a non-successful relationship.
- Fully engaged in meeting needs. In this relationship the couple are fully engaged with each other. Our natural tendency is toward selfishness but these are people who have trained themselves to look out for their partner’s needs and to fulfill those needs if they can. They will not act unselfishly every second of the day but you will notice how they care for their partner, how they anticipate their partner’s needs, how they seem to be better together. If you are in this type of relationship you tend to do nice things for your partner and you derive great joy from it. The saying ‘it is better to give than receive’ is your experience. True it makes no sense but you feel great being deliberately kind deeded to your partner.
- Mismatched. This tends to be the most frustrating type of relationship where one of you has a comfort relationship tendency of selfishness while the other is fully engaged in meeting their partner’s need. The giver keeps giving and the taker keeps receiving, with the giver getting increasingly frustrated that their partner just doesn’t do anything for them even when they are unwell or under the weather. They seem oblivious to the fact that their partner has needs that they could try and meet. The just seem to be clueless in their self-centered hole. The selfish partner is in self-centered heaven where all their needs are being anticipated and met while they do nothing while the giver is in giving hell where their needs are not even acknowledged. One partner is in heaven but the other is in hell. One feels like the relationship is a great success while the other knows they are in a non-successful relationship.
Of the 3 relationships, which one are you in? Do you want to change anything? If you do then you know which attitudes and deeds you can work on.
A Successful Relationship, 3 Foundational Attitudes to a Successful and Lasting Relationship
Now isn’t that the dream that we all have; a successful, lifelong relationship? Most of the successful relationships that we do see just don’t last. The fact is that long-lasting relationships are becoming increasingly rare but you feel in your heart that this is what you want for yourself. So what can you do to make this your reality? What are the foundational attitudes to a successful and lasting relationship?
- Be courageous. To have a successful relationship you must have the guts to face all your relationship fears. Things will come against you, your partner and your relationship and you must be able to face each of the fears that these things will bring out in you. If for example your partner losses their job what fears and worries does that bring to your relationship; can you deal with those fears and worries? The only way for you to have courage is to learn to trust in your ability to deal with whatever life will bring into your life and relationship. Think about it, you do not know what life will bring into your life in the next minute leave alone tomorrow so there is no way you can prepare for all that will come your way but you can begin to prepare for tomorrow by believing that you can cope. Whatever mega or mini event that happens in your relationship, know in your heart of hearts that you have the skills to cope; you will make it through!
- Know that you are sufficient! To have a successful relationship you must decide now that you (with all your good and bad) are enough for your partner. You do not need to pretend to be something or someone that you are not. This of course does not mean that you should not work at improving yourself but it does mean that you need to be your authentic self in the relationship. If this is not enough for your partner then clearly they are not right for you. Know that you are enough, just as you are.
- Decide to appreciate your partner. To have a successful relationship you must treat your partner like the king or queen of your heart and never (ever) take them for granted. This is the most common mental trap that we fall into where we treat our partner like part of the furniture until they leave and our vision suddenly clears and we see all their great attributes. Don’t wait till then, have a heart and attitude of gratitude for your partner. Let them know with your words and deeds that you appreciate them.
If you can put into practice these 3 foundational attitudes then your relationship will have a very good chance of being good and lasting long. But the challenge is keeping the momentum going so you must be convinced and you must make up your mind that these attitudes will be part and parcel of you.
